Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
