I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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