Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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