I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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