Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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