I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize