I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
