people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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