I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
