I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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