Rock
Scissors
Fuck
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
