Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
