i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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