tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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