she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize