A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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