I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
