The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
