Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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