the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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