saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
