Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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