Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
