I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
