Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
