Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
