I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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