sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
