she kept yelling 'call me bella'
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize