Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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