i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
