I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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