2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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