watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
