About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
