she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
