He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Couch. On fire.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
