My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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