the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
