Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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