take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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