I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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