chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize