I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
