my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
