Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
