the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
