I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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