I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
