so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
