Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
