when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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