I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
