id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
