you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
