I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
