Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
