I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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