she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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