I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Your penis caused this!
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