we have pet lesbian snakes
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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